More Than I Can Bear

I spent a few days in the hospital last week, trying to figure out why my body was feverish. I had a small abscess where my old port was, but it was too small for them to really get any fluid to culture. So they were not able to discover anything in particular. Unfortunately, I am still feverish off and on every day since leaving the hospital. It is very likely that there is something else going on that has nothing to do with what they first suspected was the culprit, so my oncologist is postponing chemo for the time being. He doesn't want to suppress my immune system while my body is obviously trying to fight something off.
 The daily fevers have left me weary, and I am beginning to feel somewhat frustrated by my circumstances. I find that I mentally and emotionally prepare myself for how I think things will look, only to have them change at every turn. It took a lot for me to embrace what I thought chemo would look like, but I am realizing that it is much more unpredictable that I anticipated. And so what I find is that, as much as I try to hang on to some amount of control in my life, I really have none. The Lord keeps forcing me to let go of more and more, until what I think should be a reasonable amount for one to have over their own life is all but gone. You see, I can muster up the strength to get through a lot of things that I must endure in this season, but then the Lord will bring one more thing on top of everything else, until I collapse beneath the weight of it. It doesn't just feel like more than I can bear. It is in fact more than I can bear. But you see, the Lord never promised not to give us more than we can bear. Many people confuse God's promise to not temp us beyond what we are able with God not giving us more than we can handle. But there is NO promise in the Bible of that nature. You see, if we only encountered that which we could bear, then there would be no need for the strength of Christ. If our own legs were strong enough to withstand the weight of our circumstances, then we would never be so desperate as to call upon our Savior.
And so, as my days unfold before me, what I find is this: my life is unpredictable, I am being stripped of any control I think I should have, and I am absolutely crippled and hopeless apart from Christ.
But the Lord keeps bringing to my mind the prayer I prayed last summer, when I asked that He would show me how to offer my life up as a living sacrifice to Him. And here is the thing about sacrifices, they don't get to choose what happens to them. They are merely laid out upon the altar, forced to endure whatever is inflicted upon them. And so, while I find myself begging God for just a little reprieve, I know that He will continue to accomplish in me what He set out to accomplish. He will continue to strengthen my spirit, even if it is at the expense of my earthly body. He will continue to show me just how dependent I truly am on Him, in the hopes that I might one day stop trying to do anything apart from Him. And so, while I am weary beyond words, I can't help but acknowledge His faithfulness. Though it is not at all the way I pictured it, He is indeed teaching me how to offer up my life as a living sacrifice to Him.