Radiation

Ok, I know that I have not been great about blogging lately, and I apologize for that. You know when you are on the last leg of a long distance run, and you have used up almost all the strength you have? In that situation, it's all I can do to just keep my legs moving. In that situation, I just stare down at my feet. I don't lift my head to see what's in front of me nor look to see what's behind me, I just stare down at me feet….moving one leg and then the other. Well, how I am living life right now is very similar. I am just focussing on making it through each day. And so, as you can guess, I haven't had much capacity for writing about it. I am kind of just surviving.

My Radiation Burn

Radiation has been hard; much harder than I had hoped it would be. It has been a long 6 weeks. I spent a lot of time in pain, a lot of time nauseated and throwing up, and a lot of time exhausted and weak. I am thoroughly burned from radiation. I wake up several times a night with shooting, burning pain under my arm and on my chest. It's miserable, but tomorrow is my last day, so I have that to look forward to. I am not sure what is next on my list after radiation. My oncologist is going to give me a couple of weeks to recuperate, and the I will see him after Thanksgiving.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the verse in 1 Peter that says "Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through suffering comes out proved genuine." Maybe it's because I feel like I have been put through the fire by radiation, with burns to prove it, but this verse has been at the forefront of my mind.  When gold is put through the fire, everything that is not real gold, every imperfection is burned away, leaving only what it pure gold. In the same way, when we are put through suffering, everything that is not genuine faith is burned away. That means, in the areas where my motives aren't pure, the areas where I lean on my own understanding, the areas that might look righteous from the outside but are tainted with sin or pride, these are the things that are being burned away as the flames of suffering scorch my spirit. I try to remind myself often that suffering is a gift; a miraculous gift with great power to heal. I don't want to come out on the other side of this current suffering and not be significantly different than I was before I started. I wan't to embrace the work that God is doing in me, in my marriage, and in my family. I don't want to just survive; I want to thrive. So, for the sake of my character, I choose suffering. But only just as much as God sees fit.

Kali and Mordecai

On an unrelated note, our niece Kali moved in with us a few weeks ago. She is 16 years old. We feel so blessed that her parents entrusted us with her. She has brought new life into our home; new joy. Kali loves our boys, and they love her. She shares a room with all four of them, and she doesn't even seem to mind. She is attending Cornerstone, and has decided to stay with us until she graduates in May. We feel so grateful to have her here with us. The Lord knew what we needed in this season, so he brought Kali to us.