Well, It's Not What We Would Have Chosen, But….

Well, I prayed and He answered. Then I waited, and waited, and waited, hoping He would change His mind. But then He answered again, giving me the same answer as He did before. In usual form, the Lord is asking me to do the very thing that I swore I would never do….chemo. I won't go into detail on all of my reasons why I wasn't going to do chemo, but I know that at least some of my reasons were valid….convincing, even. I told David that there is not a doctor out there that would be able to convince me to do chemo. My mind was made up. I was willing to do surgery, but after that, natural remedies only! I didn't want to discuss it with anyone. I would even tune my oncologist out every time he talked about chemo. I just knew that I was not going to do it, and nothing was going to change my mind.
But then I invited God into my decision. And to be honest with you, the only reason I was as quick to let Him in as I was, is only because I assumed He would be on my side with it. I mean, why would God want me to put poison into my body that really just serves to fill the pockets of greedy pharmaceutical companies, when there are so many natural options out there that God has obviously created to cure cancer? (Above is how I worded the question in my mind.) So, of course, I felt a little side-swiped when God stared asking me to be open to doing chemo. I decided to respond to the Lord by being open to it, but all the while convinced that He wouldn't possibly ask me to follow through with it. I pictured myself as Abraham on his way up to sacrifice his son. I thought, "okay God, I'm walking up the hill, I've got all the stuff I need to offer up this sacrifice, but surely you are going to pull something out at the last minute so that I don't really have to do this!" But as I stand here at the top of the hill, my sacrifice tied to the altar with the matches in my hand, I realize that there is no substitution for this sacrifice. What I have brought to the altar is the exact thing that God is wanting from me….and it makes me sad, and it makes me scared. I am sad that He is asking me to do this, and scared that I won't have it in me to get through this battle gracefully. I don't know how many times in the last year that I have used the phrase "well, it's not what we would have chosen but…", and it rings true once again. This is definitely not what I would have chosen. But it seems as though I have not been put in a season of getting to choose much. I get to choose to trust Him and obey Him, but the rest is in His hands.
So, I will have surgery the end of next week to get a port put in. About a week after that is when I will start chemo. It will be 20 weeks total. The first 4 doses will be administered every other week for 8 weeks. I will then get 12 doses every week for 12 weeks. I won't be able to have my next breast surgery until after chemo is over, as it stunts any sort of healing. Once chemo is done, I will have my expanders exchanged for implants. I will follow that with 6 weeks of radiation. And somewhere in that mix I will throw in one more breast surgery and my neck surgery.
I am setting up a Caring Bridge account that I will post a link to soon. This will encourage me to journal my process more regularly, and share important dates and details. It will also provide practical ways for people to support us. Thank you to everyone for loving us so well in this. Keep praying for us!
PET SCAN
(Also, I got the final results back from my PET scan for those who are curious. I have no down right obvious metastasis. I have one auxiliary lymph node where the others were taken that lit up. I also have a couple of spots on my lungs. They are all too small to characterize or biopsy. That means that they can't really tell if they are actually cancer cells or not. So, they will do a follow up scan after treatment to see if those areas get cleared up. My oncologist would have wanted to do chemo regardless of my PET scan results, but I think the results managed to solidify his treatment plan. If they are cancer cells, he doesn't want to let them stick around in my body)