PET SCAN

Well, I had my PET CT scan yesterday. I won't get the official report until Monday, but my oncologist was able to view the images. He did not see anything too concerning and is pretty sure my cancer has not metastasized. So, finally a bit of good news. Well, it is good news to most people. If I am being honest, though, there was a part of me that would have loved to hear different news. Part of me wanted to hear that my journey is almost over and heaven is nearly within my reach. Don't get me wrong, I love life and would hate to leave my boys without a mother or my husband without a wife. But, my body is tired. I am in constant pain and often wonder how much longer I can keep going.

I told David that I kind of feel a bit like our RV. Our RV has been great. It has offered us a roof over our heads when we needed it the most. However, it is falling apart. The roof leaks, the tank leaks, and everywhere you look, things are broken and falling apart on it. It is starting to feel more like a burden than a resource. At what point is it just not worth fixing up anymore? At what point do we just count our losses, say goodbye, and drive it off a cliff? 

Well, my body feels a bit like the RV, and I have to wonder if it is really worth trying fix at this point. I am genuinely surprised by how much the Lord thinks that I can handle. I mean, I trust Him, and obviously He knows better than I do….but really…on top of everything else…CANCER?!! 

But as I write this, I am reminded of the prayer I prayed less than a year ago. I asked that God would teach me how to give my life as a living sacrifice to Him. I prayed that He would give me the strength to let go of whatever rights I think I have, and surrender fully to Him. You see, we do not live in a culture that promotes suffering for the sake of eternity. Instead, we seek out comfort, pleasure, happiness and health. We have been taught to believe that we somehow deserve certain things in life. But my mind turns to the apostle Paul. From the moment he gave his life to Christ, he endured hardship after hardship. He was persecuted, shipwrecked, bitten by a snake, and nearly beaten to death. But this did not come as a surprise to him. In fact, in his eyes, it was just a part of living life for the Lord. He knew that life would be full of troubles, but he could have courage knowing that Christ had overcome the world. And the truth is that we have all been given the promise of suffering in this world. But pain and suffering were never meant to cripple us. They were meant to strengthen our faith and build our character. As hard as it is to accept, suffering is actually a gift to us. And if we continually run away from that gift, our faith will remain small and our character unrefined. 

And so, once again, I am asking the Lord to teach me how to give my life as a living sacrifice to Him. Though every part of my body longs to be healed, I would rather He heal what is eternal than what is temporary. And if my body must be destroyed in order for my spirit to be made strong, then have your way Lord. But please God, give me the strength to persevere.