Nov. 2019
I had a rough morning, but it ended up being a good kind of rough. Rough enough to push me into blogging for the first time in a long time. I don't want to spend too much time writing about where I am at physically, though I think you deserve to know my baseline.
Treatment for cancer is all about statistics. For me, they added up all the variables, and then gave me a print out of what they think the odds of me living another 10 years are. Before chemo and radiation, I had a 32% chance of still being alive in 10 years. I am not sure why they don't calculate beyond 10 years, but my guess is that they consider it pointless.
Now that I have completed both chemo and radiation, according to the print out, I have a 46% chance of not dying sometime in the next 10 years. Of course, these calculations did not factor in quite a few important variables. There was no place in their computer program to include the fact that I have a serious autonomic nervous system disorder that affects every function of my body. They couldn't include the degenerative disc disease or the spine surgeries. They couldn't include all the malfunctions of my heart.
They also could not have predicted how hard my body would get hit by all the surgeries (9 in the last couple of years), and all the treatments.
My lung collapsed twice, I got a an infection in my port that almost killed me after only 2 rounds of chemo. I got infection after infection. It got to the point where my oncologist was scared to treat me, at the risk of killing me.
Well, at this point in time, my body is having a hard time recovering from everything I have been through. I am down to 103 pounds, and eating always feels hard. My heart is always racing and pounding, because of my disorder. I don't sleep much. I am in constant pain and have long since forgotten what it feels like to be healthy. Everyday, I wake up and fight to choose life. This is not because I am scared to die. In fact, my reality has allowed me to rest in the knowledge that my life is truly in His hands. But knowing that my life might not be as long as I may have pictured, only pushes my heart to want to make every day count for something good. Though I may temporarily reside in a body of death, the best defense against death is always LIFE. And I am not talking about the kind of fading life that this world has to offer, but eternal life. The kind of life that only comes from God.
Here are the things that are true about me right now. From very early on in my life, it became evident that the Lord was the only one who could offer me the type of love that I was longing for and needing. He was the only one who could push through my walls in a selfless pursuit of my wellbeing.
For a while, it was enough. Partly because I was pretty much in control of most things in my life. I felt okay being needed by people while getting my needs met by the Lord. I knew that in a human state, no one could offer true unconditional love the way that the Lord always would for me. I think as long as I believed that I was needed by people, I didn't have to be afraid of them leaving or abandoning me. I could see the value that I offered to others, and as long as I could maintain my value, I felt safe.
In this season, when all those things that I saw of value to myself and all my capacities have been taken away, my heart started to feel convinced that everyone I loved was going to leave me because I could no longer see the value that I offered them.
When I started to feel worthless, I began feeling panicky and frantically started testing the love of those closest to me, looking for the type of love that's unconditional. But the thing is, I know the human limitations, and in our state, none of us can offer true unconditional love. So all it started doing was validating my fears that I wasn't worth loving that way. Sadly, that might be the very thing that I was setting out to prove in the beginning.
At some point, I looked at myself and saw that I was flailing about and pushing people further away, not closer in. It felt like I was getting beat up—like I was trying to beat myself up. It felt hopeless and destructive, and I wasn't even sure what I was setting out to prove. I think the fearful part of me was wanting to push those people away, to give them a reason for not loving me. I was rejecting them before they could reject me, demanding things I know they don't have to give.
I couldn't even figure out was I was wanting anymore. I guess just not to feel so worthless and incapacitated all the time. Sadly, it kind of felt like I was just destroying everything in my pain and fear. But God stepped in like He always does, and said to me:
Bonny-
"Haven't I always been enough for you—why should the fact that you are weaker mean that I am less able to carry you and give you your worth? I never told you that you had to be perfect. I never told you that you had to be strong on your own. Why do we continually fight about this? I am trying to help you, but you constantly accuse me of hurting you. I am not the one that hurt you. I have always been the one trying to protect you. When I tell you there is a better way, it's not because I am testing your love for me, or trying to make you prove yourself. And, honestly, if me trying to help you puts a wedge between us, I would rather just not say anything. But the problem is that I see you hurting already. I see you struggling and falling down and getting angry at yourself for your failures. You want to be better than you are. I know that about you. And when I tell you that you can be better, it because I know you are able, not because I am disappointed in who you are right now. I tell you the truth for your sake, Bonny. I have loved you and been proud of you since the day you were created. I love the "you" that you were, the "you" that you are, and the "you" that you are becoming. You have always been enough for me, and my mission in your life has always been to make you believe it. What is it that holds you back, my dear? Are you scared that you will fail me, or that I will fail you? Because I think that what you are wrestling with is whether or not I'm enough for you. Have I not proven it to you yet? You are scared that I cannot do the things I said I could and that I won't do the things I promised I would. But when have I ever left you? When everyone else let you down, who stepped in to comfort you and meet your needs? When everyone else was hiding and lying, I was always an open book full of only truth. When have I ever lied to you? You look everywhere except right here. But right here is where the safety is. Right here is where the love is. Right here is where the truth and mercy are. Everything you have ever needed and will ever need, resides right here with me- the one who will always remain inescapable. And so, if you cannot escape me, and I have the only true offering of unconditional love, then what is it you are looking for, that I am not providing? You trust me, I know that. I also know that you have never really believed it possible that a human being could give true unconditional love. Is that really what you are trying to get from others? If you know that no one can love you the way that I do, then what are you trying to prove? Are you just beating yourself up with the inadequacies of people? You are letting what they can't offer be evidence to validate the lie you that says you are not worth loving in this state.
Let me be enough for you
so you can love the way I do
there's not a thing I need from you
and yet my love is endless
Even though you push away
my love's a place you can't escape
you cannot make it dissipate
because my love is endless
No matter what you fail to prove
I need no evidence from you
You'll stay the one that I pursue
because my love is endless
Treatment for cancer is all about statistics. For me, they added up all the variables, and then gave me a print out of what they think the odds of me living another 10 years are. Before chemo and radiation, I had a 32% chance of still being alive in 10 years. I am not sure why they don't calculate beyond 10 years, but my guess is that they consider it pointless.Now that I have completed both chemo and radiation, according to the print out, I have a 46% chance of not dying sometime in the next 10 years. Of course, these calculations did not factor in quite a few important variables. There was no place in their computer program to include the fact that I have a serious autonomic nervous system disorder that affects every function of my body. They couldn't include the degenerative disc disease or the spine surgeries. They couldn't include all the malfunctions of my heart.
They also could not have predicted how hard my body would get hit by all the surgeries (9 in the last couple of years), and all the treatments.
My lung collapsed twice, I got a an infection in my port that almost killed me after only 2 rounds of chemo. I got infection after infection. It got to the point where my oncologist was scared to treat me, at the risk of killing me.
Well, at this point in time, my body is having a hard time recovering from everything I have been through. I am down to 103 pounds, and eating always feels hard. My heart is always racing and pounding, because of my disorder. I don't sleep much. I am in constant pain and have long since forgotten what it feels like to be healthy. Everyday, I wake up and fight to choose life. This is not because I am scared to die. In fact, my reality has allowed me to rest in the knowledge that my life is truly in His hands. But knowing that my life might not be as long as I may have pictured, only pushes my heart to want to make every day count for something good. Though I may temporarily reside in a body of death, the best defense against death is always LIFE. And I am not talking about the kind of fading life that this world has to offer, but eternal life. The kind of life that only comes from God.
Here are the things that are true about me right now. From very early on in my life, it became evident that the Lord was the only one who could offer me the type of love that I was longing for and needing. He was the only one who could push through my walls in a selfless pursuit of my wellbeing.
For a while, it was enough. Partly because I was pretty much in control of most things in my life. I felt okay being needed by people while getting my needs met by the Lord. I knew that in a human state, no one could offer true unconditional love the way that the Lord always would for me. I think as long as I believed that I was needed by people, I didn't have to be afraid of them leaving or abandoning me. I could see the value that I offered to others, and as long as I could maintain my value, I felt safe.
In this season, when all those things that I saw of value to myself and all my capacities have been taken away, my heart started to feel convinced that everyone I loved was going to leave me because I could no longer see the value that I offered them.
When I started to feel worthless, I began feeling panicky and frantically started testing the love of those closest to me, looking for the type of love that's unconditional. But the thing is, I know the human limitations, and in our state, none of us can offer true unconditional love. So all it started doing was validating my fears that I wasn't worth loving that way. Sadly, that might be the very thing that I was setting out to prove in the beginning.
At some point, I looked at myself and saw that I was flailing about and pushing people further away, not closer in. It felt like I was getting beat up—like I was trying to beat myself up. It felt hopeless and destructive, and I wasn't even sure what I was setting out to prove. I think the fearful part of me was wanting to push those people away, to give them a reason for not loving me. I was rejecting them before they could reject me, demanding things I know they don't have to give.
I couldn't even figure out was I was wanting anymore. I guess just not to feel so worthless and incapacitated all the time. Sadly, it kind of felt like I was just destroying everything in my pain and fear. But God stepped in like He always does, and said to me:
Bonny-
"Haven't I always been enough for you—why should the fact that you are weaker mean that I am less able to carry you and give you your worth? I never told you that you had to be perfect. I never told you that you had to be strong on your own. Why do we continually fight about this? I am trying to help you, but you constantly accuse me of hurting you. I am not the one that hurt you. I have always been the one trying to protect you. When I tell you there is a better way, it's not because I am testing your love for me, or trying to make you prove yourself. And, honestly, if me trying to help you puts a wedge between us, I would rather just not say anything. But the problem is that I see you hurting already. I see you struggling and falling down and getting angry at yourself for your failures. You want to be better than you are. I know that about you. And when I tell you that you can be better, it because I know you are able, not because I am disappointed in who you are right now. I tell you the truth for your sake, Bonny. I have loved you and been proud of you since the day you were created. I love the "you" that you were, the "you" that you are, and the "you" that you are becoming. You have always been enough for me, and my mission in your life has always been to make you believe it. What is it that holds you back, my dear? Are you scared that you will fail me, or that I will fail you? Because I think that what you are wrestling with is whether or not I'm enough for you. Have I not proven it to you yet? You are scared that I cannot do the things I said I could and that I won't do the things I promised I would. But when have I ever left you? When everyone else let you down, who stepped in to comfort you and meet your needs? When everyone else was hiding and lying, I was always an open book full of only truth. When have I ever lied to you? You look everywhere except right here. But right here is where the safety is. Right here is where the love is. Right here is where the truth and mercy are. Everything you have ever needed and will ever need, resides right here with me- the one who will always remain inescapable. And so, if you cannot escape me, and I have the only true offering of unconditional love, then what is it you are looking for, that I am not providing? You trust me, I know that. I also know that you have never really believed it possible that a human being could give true unconditional love. Is that really what you are trying to get from others? If you know that no one can love you the way that I do, then what are you trying to prove? Are you just beating yourself up with the inadequacies of people? You are letting what they can't offer be evidence to validate the lie you that says you are not worth loving in this state.
Let me be enough for you
so you can love the way I do
there's not a thing I need from you
and yet my love is endless
Even though you push away
my love's a place you can't escape
you cannot make it dissipate
because my love is endless
No matter what you fail to prove
I need no evidence from you
You'll stay the one that I pursue
because my love is endless
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