Vocal Cord Surgery This Morning!

I wish I wasn’t as fickle as I am, but what can I say, except that my righteousness is His righteousness. This leaves me with very little to boast about, nor much desire to do any boasting. I can be so on fire for what God is doing in me one day, and then feel so hopeless and fleshly the next day. Oftentimes, I get angry at myself about this, trying to deny myself of good things as punishment. But I am learning that there is freedom in accepting that I am no better, nor worse than any other person. He brought me to my lowest to show me just how low I am capable of going. You see, all this time, I thought it was my brilliant logic and firm faith that kept me grounded. I now know that it was always Him doing the grounding. It is His firm footing that keeps me from being swept away with the torrent. I love all the little and big things God is always doing to show me just how utterly majestic He is. A lot of the time, He will do something that looks harsh or unkind to onlookers, but is really a tender, and often humorous, inside story between Him and I. Today is a wonderful example of this. So, I had surgery this morning. I had this surgery because, when I had my cervical spine fusion back in January, my left vocal cord got paralyzed. This has been a huge pain, not just because I can’t sing, or yell, or really even talk, but also because it affects the airflow when I talk. This means I get short of breath every few words or so. It also means that the vocal cords that are supposed to close when I swallow, protecting my lungs from food and liquid, well they don’t close all the way. So, every now and then, water spills into my lungs and I have a coughing fit that feels like I am drowning.

Anyway, I am a writer, as you may have guessed. But I had been avoiding it for a while. I had grown weary of doing good, as the Word warns us not to do. I was enjoying feeling sorry for myself for a while. “No one will judge you”, I thought. “You’ve earned a little self-pitty!”, I told myself. But because I am a writer, I could not avoid it all together. I was still writing songs, and working on a teaching that David and I were going to do in class. But, God had given me clear instructions on what to do. He was telling me to rest, spend time alone, and write what He tells me to write. I don’t know why I fought Him so hard on this at times. I was only making it harder on me, not Him. Well, he let my vocal cord be paralyzed, so that I would stop writing songs. And it worked. I haven’t written a song since my neck surgery in January. I also had to cancel our teaching because of my weak voice. But, if you can believe it, I still fought Him on it. I found ways to push through my disabled voice. I found ways to avoid writing. Well, finally, I spent 9 hours writing yesterday, and I would have written more, if not for the constant distractions that I almost always welcome. I knew that if I would just get away and stop talking, that I would actually get some things accomplished. I just kept stopping because I wanted to tell David, and everyone else for that matter, all about what God was telling me. Well, right before my vocal cord surgery this morning, I was informed that I would not be allowed to use my voice AT ALL for the next 2 days. After that, I can only use it minimally (no whispering, yelling, or talking loudly) for 2 weeks. David and I both agreed that it would be unwise for me to stay home, as I don’t think I have the will power to not talk around my family. And so, I have been graciously welcomed in by my mother and father in law. I am doing my very best to not say a word. I have also found a room to open up all my books and start writing what God is asking me to write….multiple books at once. And of course, to blog…letting everyone who loves us and cares about us know how we are doing. And so, forgive my wanderings, though I shrug off any shame associated with such wanderings, as we are all in fact....human. 

With the exception of my surgery today, I have been feeling on the upswing, but this is a recent upswing, after fearfully being at a place that felt very close to death. In fact, just a few weeks ago (give or take a couple), I told David that if he didn't take control, then I was going to die. I could feel that my body was giving up. I stopped being able to eat or drink. When I could get something in my stomach, I would just throw it up. I shed 12 pounds in a month, and was down to 109. I was being bombarded by unbearable hot flashes, cold flashes, cold sweats, hot sweats...and more often than not...flashes of hot and cold at the same time, so that relief could not be found anywhere. I had also lost any ability to sleep, and I was up for days on end. But the nights were torture. I would have terrible night sweats that would drench my body. I would wake up after brief stents of sleep, soaked to the bone, freezing cold. But when I would remove the blanket, the air on my wet skin would feel like acid, and I would scream out in pain, demanding help from David. He would strip me down while I yelled profanities of all kinds at him. I did this because of my pain, not because he was doing anything wrong. Sometimes he would dry me off and put clean clothes on me, while other times he would draw me a bath and wash all the sweat off of my body. I have been extremely dehydrated, and now am getting weekly fluids at the Cancer Center to stay out of trouble and stay alive.

Well, I know that some of this physical difficulty has to do with withdrawals. However,  I think that a large part of it was from the hormone suppression therapy that I was undergoing. And so, for the sake of my life, I have temporarily put treatment on hold. I will go into more detail on what that means in my next blog. I just wanted to keep you informed. Thank you for all the continued prayers and support. I have only gratefulness to offer for the situation that God has put me in. He is good and He is faithful, and He never fails to remind my wandering heart of that truth.