Suffering With Purpose

There are times that I don’t even know how I am supposed to feel. I have somehow gotten stuck in this state that teeters between sadness and dread. People keep asking me if I am happy to be done with chemo. For the most part, my response has been a yes, mainly because it seems like the emotion I should be feeling in this situation. But I don’t feel happy. Now don’t get me wrong, I never ever, ever want to relive the last eight months of my life. I don’t ever want to have to go through chemo again. When something ends, however, we as humans seem to have a tendency to remember all of the good aspects of that experience. And so, as hard as something might be, there is still a very real loss when that something ends. Well, I guess I don’t know if that’s true about humans in general, or just true about me. The fact remains, however, that I do feel a loss now that chemo is over. I miss the nurses that spent large chunks of the week with me. I miss the conversations that I got to have with other patients, and the relationships I formed. Even though I hated how sick chemo made me, it became familiar and somewhat predictable. There was a safety in that, that I miss. I even miss my time spent at the cancer center. I knew that I would be sitting there, unable to do much, for several hours. I would often bring a friend along with me, and we would get to just sit and talk and enjoy each other. So, as silly as it may sound, I am experiencing sadness from the loss of all of that. If that was the only thing I was wrestling with right now, it wouldn’t be so bad. Unfortunately, I am also battling feelings of dread as I think about the future. The end of chemo means the beginning of what lies ahead of me. I will be having breast surgery next week, on the 14^th. After that, I have 30 rounds of radiation. After radiation, I will be having surgery to remove my ovaries. This is for the sake of ovarian suppression, which is apparently a key factor in fighting hormone receptor positive breast cancer. That means early menopause, and all the symptoms that come along with that. I will also be having neck surgery for my failed fusion, as well as a third breast surgery. When I think about the difficulty that still lies ahead of me, I find myself dreading it. It’s the combination of loss, and sadness, and dread, and the not knowing how my body will hold up through everything that is to come that has left me feeling emotionally stuck. 

Now, it would be one thing if I felt good enough physically to just keep myself busy during this time of waiting for the next thing. Sadly, I am still suffering the effects of chemo. I am so sick most of the time that I can’t do a lot of things that most people just take for granted. I usually spend all but a few hours of my day in bed feeling terrible. I think when I was doing chemo, my sickness felt like it had purpose. Chemo was accomplishing important things, and sickness was just a side effect. But there was a purpose to my sickness, and there was a comfort in knowing that. Now that chemo is over, however, it feels more frustrating and pointless than anything else. I know that time will be the ultimate factor in me regaining my health, as I seem to get a little better each day. However, each day that brings me closer to health also brings me closer to the things that I am dreading. This is why I feel stuck. I don’t want to go back in time, I feel miserable in the present, and I am terrified of the immediate future.

I know for certain that God has me here in this moment. I know that He would lift my burden and change my circumstances, if He did not see my circumstances as necessary. The fact that He has not changed them, despite my desperate pleas, tells me that He does see my afflictions as necessary. This knowledge inspires me to want to surrender to what God has for me in this. I just don’t always know exactly what it is that God has for me. I know He is doing something, I just don’t know what. I get weary and disappointed by my limitations. I get depressed, lonely, and often feel isolated. I wrestle frequently with feeling useless, and doubting that I have anything to offer. I continually fail to meet my own standards, and have a hard time letting myself rest and be at peace with the state that I am currently in. I am sure those are all things that He is using this season to heal me from, but it often feels like I am getting worse spiritually instead of better. Maybe that is just part of the process. Sometimes the Lord has to put us in a situation that amplifies all of our faults, so that we would be humbled enough to seek the Lord’s help. Well, I am feeling truly humbled by my spiritual state, and I am desperate for the Lord’s help. I guess I can rest in that. I did my part by asking, and now I get to trust that He will finish the work that He started in me. If I can truly believe that, then sickness and suffering are never pointless. Instead, they have significant and eternal purpose. This is the truth I so desperately need to be reminded of.