Be Mine

So it has been a hard season for me. So much is going on that has caused me to become increasingly aware of the fragility of life, but not in a good way. Not so much "life is so fragile, and so I will rejoice and appreciate every moment the Lord gives me". No, it has been more like "Dang it! Life is so fragile, and I am getting older, and I could break at any moment, and my body might just fall apart completely!" I have uncharacteristically become worried and fearful about my health and wellbeing. I look back and see so many moments where I complained and pleaded with the Lord to make me feel better; so many moments where I thought that things could not possibly get any worse. But then, as often is the case in life, they do get worse. And for me, they have gotten worse. And I say all that to say that last night I found myself at the end of myself. I was completely unable to sleep, as has been the case for a while now. My body ached and my mind was full of angst. But instead of laying there frustrated and angry, I decided to surrender my sleep to the Lord. I put on worship music, got down on my knees, raised my hands up to Jesus and began to plead with Him. I begged Him to heal me. To take away my pain. To make me normal, and not just my version of normal, but really normal...like a healthy person. Not only did I beg Him, but I started frustratingly questioning what it was He really had for me. Does He want me healed? Should I keep asking and asking until He does it, verbally expressing my utter faith that He is certainly capable of restoring me? Do I go off any medication and stop going to the doctor and get all pentecostal, claiming healing in the name of Jesus? Or do I decide to be okay with disability, accepting it as the inevitable future that God has in store for me? And when all of my words had been exhausted, I stopped and I listened, hoping that He would give me a solid answer one way or the other. He did not give me the answer I was grasping for. But what He gave me instead was this: "Bonny, you are mine. You belong to me. I know every ache of your body, every longing of your heart. I know every passion that wells up inside of you, and I have already sifted through those that are pure, and those that have been marred by the sin of this world. I know exactly what you need at every single moment, and I know the plans I have for you. So be mine! Let me decide how you feel and for how long you feel it. Let me decide if you are sick or healthy. Let me decide how long you walk this earth and in what state. It is not for you to decide. You are mine, so surrender and choose in your heart to BE MINE!  Just BE MINE! Climb up into my lap. Let my arms wrap around you. Take my yoke. Take my burden. Stop wishing that things were different and start resting in what they are. And trust me, like you have always so faithfully done. It's time to just be mine. No more questioning. No more demanding answers. Just be mine!"
And so, with those words from Him, the worry and weight lifted off of my shoulders. My demands and frustrations floated away. My discontentment and complaints ceased. As I admitted that I am not my own, I sunk into being His.
Below is the song He gave me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcORoyyjqjw