Sometimes Life Really Sucks!

(Don't worry, I am fully aware of how silly I look in a neck brace)

I have no idea where the last ten days since my surgery have gone. I actually thought it had only been a couple of days, until my sister informed me otherwise. I guess that goes to show just how incoherent I have been. I have had many conversations with some of you, most of which were either misdirected, or entirely untrue; fabricated from some file buried deep in the dusty corners of my mind. So, I guess you could say I have been hallucinating a lot. But I have no doubts it's medication induced, so I am not at all worried.

I have been through so many ups and downs lately, and I feel like today is a "down" day. I had a retreat that I was really wanting to be able to go to. I had actually been quite excited about it for a long time. But, after seeing my surgeon Friday, he decided not to give me the clearance to go. He just doesn't think my body is ready. And it's not that I don't agree with him, it just really sucks!


Now, it's not like I'm completely unaware of how much harder I could have it. I mean, I could live in a third world country with no legs, having to make a living scooting around on a makeshift skateboard, begging for money (which I'm not!).What I do know, however, is that things could also be a lot better than they actually are. And not only that, but I serve the God of the universe who could change anything and everything with just the breath from His lungs.

And so, there becomes this funny thing we have to reconcile in our minds: How can an all-knowing, all-powerful, loving God offer so few remedies in comparison to the tragedy that surrounds us? And, of course, we all reconcile it in different ways. Some of us can do it by denying the existence of a so called "loving God", and are fine with everything being left to chance. Others can just deny that God himself has any real power to change anything. Kind of like the watch maker that creates the watch, but is not responsible for keeping it running. I, however, do not believe in chance, nor do I believe in a distant, powerless God. And so, the truth that I am left with is this: God is loving and good. I don't just believe it, but I know it. However, He also chooses to allow our lives to be so difficult and painful at times that we aren't even sure if our legs will withstand the weight of the next step He is asking us to take.
I think for a long time I had been reconciling this reality by comparing my life with that of Christ's. I mean, if He could endure the excruciating amount of emotional, physical, and spiritual pain He encountered, then surely I could offer myself up in the same way, at least to a fraction of the extent. Unfortunately, however, the knowledge of other people's problems doesn't often offer any more strength that one would have without such knowledge. It also doesn't help my case any that I am a mere human, and not actually Christ himself. And so, as life gets harder and harder, things become more and more complicated. First of all, my "first-world problems" (as my sister-in-law always calls them) seem to be becoming less and less like first-world problems. Instead, they are painful, unpredictable, and extremely difficult. On top of that, in addition to all of the large, blaring life circumstances, life always seems to throw in a lot of little extra disappointments…i.e. the retreat this weekend. It seems to happen over and over again. I will get to a point where I don't think I could possibly keep going, and then God will ask me to go in a different direction and do something even harder than I was already doing. And amidst all that, there are constant little set backs here and there that always seem to rear their ugly heads.
And so, as I sit here in my bed (somewhere I have spent the majority of my last year ), I can't help but imagine how much fun everyone else must be having up north at the retreat without me there. But, somewhere amidst all that emotional disappointment, I do think there is a glimmer of hope hiding somewhere in there. I am not sure what it is, but I feel it. It's like an anticipation, though I am not sure what it is I am anticipating. Maybe it's freedom from sickness, or maybe it's something much deeper and richer than that. The truth is, I really don't know. I just know it's there, and I don't want to lose it, because I know that "glimmer" is HIM.