Just Surviving,But Starting To See Hope

I am very aware of how long it has been since my last blog. I sincerely apologize for the long, silent pause. I have traveled all over the place spiritually and emotionally over the last couple of months. For the first few weeks, God was teaching me something about myself that I truly needed to learn. I have by no means mastered it. More than anything, I think He was just bringing it to my attention. You see, I love serving the Lord. I love being used by Him. I love ministering to others and sharing uplifting blogs about God's goodness. All of these things are wonderful things, but there is more to it than that. When the Lord brought me to a place where I felt too weak to do any of those things, I felt like a complete and utter waist of a person. I started to feel like a continual failure, unable to meet my own expectations of myself. But that's when the Lord showed me that I was getting my worth out of my ability to do the above mentioned things. What He was trying to tell me, however, is that I am valuable simply because He made me. Even if I never speak His name to another person, I am valuable to Him. Even if I never find the strength to encourage another person, I am still useful to God. Now, that's not to say that He wants me to stop living this life for His kingdom. It just means that, sometimes, I need to let myself be the one that receives the encouragement. Sometimes, it's okay to be the one that needs others to point me to Jesus. Sometimes, it's perfectly acceptable for me to be the one on the mat being lowered through the roof by her friends. With that, I decided to let go of any pressure to be anything or produce anything. I just kind of decided to rest. Of course, after a couple of weeks of resting, I started to spiral back down to feeling worthless again. Then I just started finding ways to escape from any reminders of what I should be doing, and how short I am falling of that. This has been part of my recent struggle. But in that, God is alive and working. He has been giving me a lot of new songs to write, as well as the motivation and inspiration for a book that I have been working on writing. I am beginning to sense something, though I am not quite sure how to explain it. I think now would be a good time to share a dream that the Lord gave me. It was about this time last summer, several months before my breast cancer diagnosis. It went like this:

 I was standing in a room looking at a collection of various people. They were all sitting at tables, and each one of them had two books set out in front of them. One book was full of words, while the other was being frantically written in. As I was standing there, watching them, Paul the apostle came up behind me and stood next to me. He leaned in and said, "Do you see those people over there? Each one of them is translating the Word of God into a different language. That is one way to share the love of Christ with the world. However, it is not the only way to accomplish this goal. You could do what I did, but I will warn you, it is extremely painful." Curiously, I asked him what that would entail. "Well", he said "it is a surgery where both sides of your chest must be opened up. Once open, you will have the Word implanted into your chest; the Old Testament on one side, and the New Testament on the other." "Why would one choose to do this?" I asked. "Because it is fast", he replied. You see those people are doing something wonderful, but some of them will spend their entire lives translating the Word, and at the end of it, it will only be in one language. But if you do it the way I did it, not only is it quick, but you will be able to speak the Word of God in ANY and EVERY language." He then asked me which one I wanted to choose. Not fully understanding what it was that I was agreeing to, I chose Paul's way; The quick, painful surgery that involved opening up both sides of my chest and having something implanted on both sides.

It's kind of crazy when I think about it now. I knew when I had the dream that I was agreeing to something really painful, I just didn't realize how literal it would be. I didn't realize that it would be an actual surgery that involved both sides of my chest being opened up and having something implanted in me. But here I am. In the midst of horrendous pain and sickness, clinging closely to the knowledge that God is doing something really amazing in me, and I have only scratched the surface. I feel as if I am in the labor pains of what God is birthing in me, and I feel anxious to lay my eyes on fruit of this labor. I am excited to see what God has in store for David and I. 

On a more practical note, chemo is going well. It has been a long season of just kind of surviving. I go every Monday. First they draw my blood. Then I wait about an hour for the labs to get back. Sometimes my counts are too low to do chemo. On those days, they give me a growth factor injection and send me home until the following Monday. However, if my counts are low, but not too low, I do chemo. In those circumstances, I have to come back in to the cancer center the next 1-4 days in a row for injections. On most weeks, I am at the cancer center 4-5 days. Of course, with the injections come terrible bone and nerve pain. With the low blood counts come fevers and aches and chills. With chemo, comes nausea,fatigue, night sweats, and plenty of other unpleasant  things (too many to mention). So, I spend much of my waking hours in bed. This is what allows me the time to work on my book. I have four rounds of chemo left. I have completed 11. Wow, as I write this…it all just feels like a blur. Eleven rounds of chemo! It's taken me almost 5 months to complete the first 11. Had everything gone according to schedule, I would have been done. But, too many infections, too many hospital stays, 2 too many collapsed lungs, and here I am behind the beloved schedule. However, I must say, I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Only four more rounds of chemo. Not just that, my last two blood counts were in the normal range for the first time in months. And this week…..wait for it…..was the first week where I didn't have to go back in for even one injection! That felt really good. Because believe me, the last thing anyone wants to do after having chemo is have to get out of bed for any reason, especially if that reason is to drive 30 min. in the heat to go get a shot. So, anyway, things are looking up in that regard. In terms of Cadence, David and I have been helping out at the Tuesday night Bible studies at the Luke Air Force Base Hospitality House. It has been a blessing getting to know the community there, and get to feel like we are still a part of Cadence, though stuck on pause. The Lord is taking care of us financially. Our main income is still coming from Cadence. We also have many generous people who are blessing us at exactly the right time. On top of that, David has been driving for Uber and doing side jobs if ever we find ourselves short on finances. I feel so loved and protected by both the Lord and my husband during this season. I know David is so tempted inside to provide for us with a normal job, but I don't think I would have survived this season if that were the case. Because of the support we raised for Cadence, David is able to stay home and take care of the boys and I. I am not allowed to drive because of the pain contract I signed, so David is the one that has to take me to all of my appointments. You would not believe how many appointments I have! He is the one that makes sure I am eating and taking my meds. He is the one that picks up my prescriptions, cooks and cleans. He is the a dad to the boys, and a mom when I can't be…which feels often. He draws me warm baths when my bones ache. He rubs my back when my muscles ache. He runs to the store when I am having cravings from chemo. He serves me breakfast in bed, and helps get me dressed in the mornings. I really don't know what I would do without him. And that's about it. I will keep you posted.