His Mercy

      

There are definitely things in our lives that feel difficult and frustrating right now. It's kind of funny when I think about it actually. After recovering from my spine surgery, finding the right medications for the disorder that I struggle with and David's ridiculously long stay in the hospital, which ended in thoracic surgery, we found ourselves at a place where everything felt somewhat calm. This was probably a month in a half ago, and we had a couple of people ask how we were doing. We kind of cautiously admitted that we were actually doing pretty good. Life was starting to feel normal and routine again. But as the words left my mouth, I followed it with..."but my fingers are crossed, because it seems very likely that another wave could hit us at any moment." Obviously I hoped that this would not be true, but I was very aware of how unpredictable life was in this season of support raising and preparing to go into ministry (little side note: we are at 70% of our support). Well, sure enough, just a couple of weeks after announcing that we were both finally feeling healthy and doing pretty good for the most part, my neck started hurting me again. It did not start off constant nor severe, but as the days went on it became both constant and severe. I tried to ignore it, because I kind of didn't want to know what was wrong. I just wanted it to get better on it's own. But I wrestled with so much frustration at fact that this pain, that I had only a few months prior gone through a painful surgery to eliminate, had now returned. "But I was so careful" I would announce to David. "I don't understand. I did everything that I was suppose to do to protect my neck from injuring it again!" But I finally got to the point where just emptying out the dishwasher or picking up a gallon of milk would send shooting pain down my arm. I also had a constant pain in my shoulder, radiating down my arm, accompanied by numbness in my fingers. After

persistent persuading from David, I finally went in to the doctor. Anyway, long story short, I have a cyst in the joint of my cervical spine. Apparently it was present on my previous MRI (though they never told me that), but it has grown significantly since then. It is likely the cause of this new pain. It is extremely rare, so that makes me feel pretty special. I still have to meet with my surgeon to find out the plan, but from what I read on the internet (you've got to love the internet), it will likely mean another surgery. In the midst of this, David seems to have some random health issues. Nothing serious, but still extremely inconvenient. Plus, he is still recovering from the lingering symptoms of his previous illness. With everything that has happened, and is happening, we find ourselves having to learn to care for each other amidst our own pain and sickness. Neither one of us is capable of fully caring for the other, so we just have to give each other what we can, when we can. We definitely find ourselves with a lot of questions as to why God is having this happen. It kind of feels a bit like deja vu. "What did we do wrong the first go around, that you are making us go through this again?", we would ask. "What was it you were wanting to teach us God, that we missed the first time?" Of course we realize that those questions are quite ridiculous, knowing the true character of God. I don't think it was some kind of test that we apparently failed, and must retake for a better grade. In fact, if it had been a test, I am pretty sure we got an excellent grade. We faithfully sought God's purpose in it, and saw so much beauty and emotional healing grow out of the pain and difficulty of it all. And yet, for some reason, here we are again. It is confusing and doesn't seem to make any sense at all to us. But we know God is sovereign, and knows exactly what He is doing and why He is doing it. We have to just trust Him, and cling to the promise that He works all things together for our good. That being said, we don't yet see His purpose in this, like we were able to see in, what I like to call, round one. But we are definitely starting to sense something in our hearts beginning to stir as the ground beneath our feet is subtly shifting. God is definitely doing something, but there is a small voice in both of us complaining in exhaustion at the thought of round two. Not surprising though, the Lord seems to be flooding our lives with stories of perseverance. It seems to be a reoccurring theme in everything we read and hear. And so, while there are so many things about it that we don't really understand, we believe He is asking us, if nothing else, to just keep pressing on. Without answering any of the many questions that flood our thoughts, He simply seems to be saying "persevere." As I start to focus on this idea of perseverance, and how determined God is to teach it to us, I start to wonder in anticipation. There must be a reason that He is willing to knock our feet out from under us with wave after wave of unexpected trials, in order to teach us perseverance. It is obviously quite important to Him. And it makes me wonder what kind of trials we might face as we enter the mission field. We do not have the ability to see into the future, take note of what we will encounter along the way, and properly prepare ourselves for what is to come. But fortunately, we serve an omniscient God who can. And so I can't help but believe that He must be preparing us for something great. Probably something greater than we can even imagine. And with that hope, I am inspired to surrender to what He is doing in this very moment. Though it is nothing that I would have chosen, I gladly invite it, knowing that what He is teaching us now will be something that we will no doubt be in desperate need of in the future. And I picture a day when we will look back at this season of our lives, and thankfully rejoice in the beautiful gift of pain and hardship. We will humbly thank Him for the opportunity to be broken and then strengthened; to feel incapable and unprepared, only to find ourselves fully equipped with the armor of God. And lastly, to be stripped of what is temporary, in order to gain what is eternal. I am truly excited for that day to come.